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MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 02:10 PM
So, I'm curious as to what y'all think of your men viewing porn (in any format). In my case, I like a little once in awhile, enjoyed together. It's by no means something I "need" or use a great deal, but watching a video together, for instance, is kinda fun.

My question is, what do you think about the porn they view without your knowledge?

My boyfriend has trust and jealousy issues. Huge. I am completely transparent with any and everything I do to "help" him with this, even though the issue is his, not mine.

So let's just say I've discovered something (again!!!) that he's been hiding from me, and I'm pissed. It explains why he's been up later than usual the last few nights. :mad::mad::mad:

Right now, I want to punch him in his big, bald head.

He's going to read this, and I hope he s*hits when he does. :angel:

I have done waaaaaay MORE than is reasonable to ensure this man can trust me; waaaaay more than I probably should have to help him with his anxiety. Waaaaaay more than I should have. I love him, and this is something we work on together (but lately I've thrown the ball back to him and taken a very firm stand that this is HIS issue, I am not indulging it anymore).

This porn thing feels like such a betrayal. With a different type of man, it would still bother me but probably not as much. I get the whole men/visual/porn thing. BUT... well, I've explained why I'm extra pissed and hurt, I think.

So, any words of wisdom, gals?

lynnbrigham
07-21-2011, 02:27 PM
For me hiding anything is a huge betrayal. I guess it doesn't matter if it is porn or something else. I won't lie that I have a problem with my husband watching porn if he were to but a lot of that stems from a previous relationship where I didn't care at all and operated on the I just like to know what is going on and later found out there was a TON of other things hidden from me. It was awful. I know your feelings! Try to really let him know how it feels and hopefully he can understand and try to make sure he is open things more. Hang in there!!! I am pretty sure that almost every woman has gone through something at some point in her life dealing with stuff like this and it's not fun lol.....

Becca Staggs
07-21-2011, 02:32 PM
Crystol, if you want this thread moved let me know. Right now it's visible to non-members and anyone who stops by our board.

I have been there with my ex husband. He had a major problem with it though, and other areas of our relationship were suffering, both physical and emotional, so at the time I thought/felt like it was a form of betrayal. Mostly because it got to the point where it was almost coming between us and he began reaching out to real-life girls online for it, not just watching Jenna Jamesons in video.

But - Now I'll have to just say it's totally situational and depends on the man himself, and the dynamics of your relationship, maybe. With the right person (to me, speaking of my current relationship) its' not a big deal.

Because your b/f doesn't trust you...does that change anything? I mean, if he trusted you more, how would your recent discovery make you feel? I guess I don't understand...Are you thinking along the lines of how he would react/feel if he found this out about you? He would be very upset, I expect??

Do you feel like your physical/bedroom life is lacking at all?
Admittedly, IMO when the frequency is down between a couple, I find that knowing they are watching it on a regular basis feels a little hurtful or - maybe not hurtful but kinda stings a little...but only b/c I would like some attention turned on me...I'm around, I'm availible...ya know?

Does he know that you have a problem with this? I guess that is the question that changes things.

T-Bomb
07-21-2011, 02:34 PM
I can see why you would be hurt if he was hiding something from you.. I don't mind the porn but my husband doesn't hide it from me. I always seem to think my husband has the most downloaded porn on his computer.. but I am discovering each day that he is not the only one with that much...LOL.. I personally don't find it to be a problem as long as it isn't affecting our marriage. Now I would be p*ssed if he was to watch some pron with someone we know in it. :argue:

T-Bomb
07-21-2011, 02:40 PM
Crystol, if you want this thread moved let me know. Right now it's visible to non-members and anyone who stops by our board.

I have been there with my ex husband. He had a major problem with it though, and other areas of our relationship were suffering, both physical and emotional, so at the time I thought/felt like it was a form of betrayal. Mostly because it got to the point where it was almost coming between us and he began reaching out to real-life girls online for it, not just watching Jenna Jamesons in video.

But - Now I'll have to just say it's totally situational and depends on the man himself, and the dynamics of your relationship, maybe. With the right person (to me, speaking of my current relationship) its' not a big deal.

Because your b/f doesn't trust you...does that change anything? I mean, if he trusted you more, how would your recent discovery make you feel? I guess I don't understand...Are you thinking along the lines of how he would react/feel if he found this out about you? He would be very upset, I expect??

Do you feel like your physical/bedroom life is lacking at all?
Admittedly, IMO when the frequency is down between a couple, I find that knowing they are watching it on a regular basis feels a little hurtful or - maybe not hurtful but kinda stings a little...but only b/c I would like some attention turned on me...I'm around, I'm availible...ya know?

Does he know that you have a problem with this? I guess that is the question that changes things.

Exactly.. You said it much better than I intended to. I was in the same situation with my ex husband (all around bad relationship).. But it's different with my currant husband and I don't mind him and his porn.. Like you said.. It all depends on the person and situation.

kaytikat
07-21-2011, 02:45 PM
I don't really mind unless it's being chosen instead of me, or if its hidden from me like he feels he has a reason to be ashamed of it. Neither behavior is okay with me and generally makes me wonder wtf is really going on.

Becca Staggs
07-21-2011, 02:48 PM
Exactly.. You said it much better than I intended to. I was in the same situation with my ex husband (all around bad relationship).. But it's different with my currant husband and I don't mind him and his porn.. Like you said.. It all depends on the person and situation.

Right. :)
I think it's natural, common, and healthy as long as it's not overdone - and I would never make him/any man swear off it. Hell, I wouldn't want someone to make me swear off it - but abusing it, or reaching out to real life girls to fullfill a fantasy/breaking the fantasy realm and having real life/email/video interactions is another story bc that's when the lines blur too much...

snf_05
07-21-2011, 03:05 PM
Wow... I didn't know porn was so common... hmmm.

I would be hurt if he was hiding it, but I agree it can be okay once in awhile when it is shared.

I understand your frustration because it can make you feel as though you aren't desireable so he has to hide it....which I don't understand because your bod is more bangn' than any porn star.

Could it be a lack of excitement between the sheets?

To answer your question... I would be pissed if my boyfriend was doing it behind my back, and on a regular basis at that. If I found that out I would probably shut down on him because in my mind I would say ''Fine, I'm not good enough for you then enjoy your porn because I'm not going to worry who or what you are thinking about when we do have sex." I can be irrational sometimes though.

PRINCEY
07-21-2011, 03:13 PM
He's going to read this, and I hope he s*hits when he does. :angel:

I'm a pretty casual forum participant but this isn't the first time I've read about your husband's jealousy. I think your conflict resolution skills leave something to be desired if you think that posting about your issues on a public forum is the best way to initiate productive discussion about relationship problems. I would be really hurt and angry if my partner aired our dirty laundry on the Internet.

FemFlex
07-21-2011, 03:48 PM
Crystol - Breaking this down to the core elements, this is an issue of (in)compatibility moreso than trust. Only you can evaluate the degree of the payoff you get from being in a relationship with someone with whom you are not compatible.

Most people refuse to evaluate their relationships in this manner, but you should put the question of compatibility before trust. People who aren't uptight can be driven to become so by those who are...making themselves miserable in the process. And people who are insanely jealous can wreak havoc on the sanity of the partners who are not.

Princey - Oftentimes, the best solutions to the questions or problems we may have are held by people we don't even know. You're welcome to be offended by the fact that Crystol's chosen to entrust this group with details of her personal life, but by the same token, there are others who are willing to help her find the answer(s) that may work for her. It's also possible that there are others on the forum struggling with similar concerns who might benefit from this issue having been raised here.

***
As to the original question, I'm way too old and involved with my own work and spending time devoted to my kid to worry at all about what my partner is doing when I'm not around. As long as it doesn't cost me (too much) money or impact my child's well-being, what she does with her time is her business. What we do together is our business.

This whole issue speaks directly to the problem of social policing that so many people seem to think 'coupledom' is entitled to: "Where's she going?" "I wonder who's he looking at?" "Oh, honey, I didn't hear from you today." "I don't want to worry you or anything, but I saw your boyfriend at the market yesterday talking to the checkout girl." "Did he masturbate to unshared porn last night?", etc.

Good luck, C.

PRINCEY
07-21-2011, 03:53 PM
FemFlex: I agree with you to an extent, and I agree with your point about compatibility. I just wonder at the comment I quoted above -- if you want to talk to your partner about something, writing an inflammatory post on a public forum just isn't the best way to initiate a caring, productive conversation. It seems to me (based on that quote) that the primary reason Crystol posted was to get a reaction from her partner. I could be misreading it though, and it seems like the discussion here has been thoughtful.

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 04:01 PM
FemFlex: I agree with you to an extent, and I agree with your point about compatibility. I just wonder at the comment I quoted above -- if you want to talk to your partner about something, writing an inflammatory post on a public forum just isn't the best way to initiate a caring, productive conversation. It seems to me (based on that quote) that the primary reason Crystol posted was to get a reaction from her partner. I could be misreading it though, and it seems like the discussion here has been thoughtful.

Hey, Princey. You are right on a number of counts. So I won't try to defend my actions or any of that. My OP was reactionary, and not thought out. But now that it's out here, so be it. I'm appreciating the discussion and input and hope others will, too.

Jealousy is not about love; it's about fear, and fear is the absence of love. Since realizing this, I've seen a number of things in a different light, for sure.

Rebecca's post was good food for thought, so I think I'll respond to that as well.

Siouxcountry
07-21-2011, 04:19 PM
Just a reminder. Crystol asked women.

So, I'm curious as to what y'all think of your men viewing porn (in any format).

Please respect that.

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 04:20 PM
Crystol - Breaking this down to the core elements, this is an issue of (in)compatibility moreso than trust. Only you can evaluate the degree of the payoff you get from being in a relationship with someone with whom you are not compatible.

I don't agree in my situation, but that's a good point.

Most people refuse to evaluate their relationships in this manner, but you should put the question of compatibility before trust. People who aren't uptight can be driven to become so by those who are...making themselves miserable in the process. And people who are insanely jealous can wreak havoc on the sanity of the partners who are not.

That is true. We have made a lot of progress on this front lately. So this latest bit feels like a setback.

Princey - Oftentimes, the best solutions to the questions or problems we may have are held by people we don't even know. You're welcome to be offended by the fact that Crystol's chosen to entrust this group with details of her personal life, but by the same token, there are others who are willing to help her find the answer(s) that may work for her. It's also possible that there are others on the forum struggling with similar concerns who might benefit from this issue having been raised here.

Here, here!
***
As to the original question, I'm way too old and involved with my own work and spending time devoted to my kid to worry at all about what my partner is doing when I'm not around. As long as it doesn't cost me (too much) money or impact my child's well-being, what she does with her time is her business. What we do together is our business.

We're not there. LOL. And I don't know that I want to be there. It works well for many, but I'm okay for the most part with how involved we are in each others' lives.

This whole issue speaks directly to the problem of social policing that so many people seem to think 'coupledom' is entitled to: "Where's she going?" "I wonder who's he looking at?" "Oh, honey, I didn't hear from you today." "I don't want to worry you or anything, but I saw your boyfriend at the market yesterday talking to the checkout girl." "Did he masturbate to unshared porn last night?", etc.

I don't think that way. He does, though. He is working very hard to let a lot of this go, and I recognize the efforts. It's a process.

Good luck, C.
Cheers!

Crystol, if you want this thread moved let me know. Right now it's visible to non-members and anyone who stops by our board.

That's okay. Thanks for your concern, but let's leave things out in the open. I don't feel a need to hide any of this.

I have been there with my ex husband. He had a major problem with it though, and other areas of our relationship were suffering, both physical and emotional, so at the time I thought/felt like it was a form of betrayal. Mostly because it got to the point where it was almost coming between us and he began reaching out to real-life girls online for it, not just watching Jenna Jamesons in video.

My situation with my ex was similiar, so this sort of thing triggers some past hurts, I think, for sure.

But - Now I'll have to just say it's totally situational and depends on the man himself, and the dynamics of your relationship, maybe. With the right person (to me, speaking of my current relationship) its' not a big deal.

We have talked this out, and I got an explanation that makes sense. The whole idea that it was hidden from me is the issue, like others have alluded to.

Because your b/f doesn't trust you...does that change anything? I mean, if he trusted you more, how would your recent discovery make you feel? I guess I don't understand...Are you thinking along the lines of how he would react/feel if he found this out about you? He would be very upset, I expect??

That is exactly it. And when I flip things like this, he gets it a little better. Lots of stuff came out when we talked, all constructive.

Do you feel like your physical/bedroom life is lacking at all?
Admittedly, IMO when the frequency is down between a couple, I find that knowing they are watching it on a regular basis feels a little hurtful or - maybe not hurtful but kinda stings a little...but only b/c I would like some attention turned on me...I'm around, I'm availible...ya know?

I do know (my past relationship), and that's not the case with David. Short of quitting my job and staying in bed all day, I don't think I could be more available to him! I know how important the physical part of our relationship is for David, and I feel the same way. It does scare me to think that even with our healthy bedroom life, it might not be enough. But that is just paranoia, I think.

Does he know that you have a problem with this? I guess that is the question that changes things.

He does. And I believe I made it clear that it's not so much the content or the act as the secrecy, intended or otherwise.

Thanks, Rebecca. Just answering these questions is helpful.

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 04:23 PM
Wow... I didn't know porn was so common... hmmm.

I would be hurt if he was hiding it, but I agree it can be okay once in awhile when it is shared.

I understand your frustration because it can make you feel as though you aren't desireable so he has to hide it....which I don't understand because your bod is more bangn' than any porn star.

Could it be a lack of excitement between the sheets?

To answer your question... I would be pissed if my boyfriend was doing it behind my back, and on a regular basis at that. If I found that out I would probably shut down on him because in my mind I would say ''Fine, I'm not good enough for you then enjoy your porn because I'm not going to worry who or what you are thinking about when we do have sex." I can be irrational sometimes though.

Well, it may be irrational but I think it's important that men realize this is a possible outcome of their use of porn! :banghead: It may not result in this perception for every situation and in every relationship, but is the risk worth it if you care about someone?

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 04:26 PM
For me hiding anything is a huge betrayal. I guess it doesn't matter if it is porn or something else. I won't lie that I have a problem with my husband watching porn if he were to but a lot of that stems from a previous relationship where I didn't care at all and operated on the I just like to know what is going on and later found out there was a TON of other things hidden from me. It was awful. I know your feelings! Try to really let him know how it feels and hopefully he can understand and try to make sure he is open things more. Hang in there!!! I am pretty sure that almost every woman has gone through something at some point in her life dealing with stuff like this and it's not fun lol.....

Thanks, Lynn. :) Of course I'll hang in there. One thing I vowed to do upon entering this relationship was to make it a priority and never take for granted that things would just work themselves out. If I'm hurt, it does me no good to ignore it and not speak out. Posting all this was hasty, but it prevented me from really laying into him in anger, and that's a good thing. At least when we got around to talking, I was (mostly) ready to talk, rather than spit nails!

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 04:27 PM
I don't really mind unless it's being chosen instead of me, or if its hidden from me like he feels he has a reason to be ashamed of it. Neither behavior is okay with me and generally makes me wonder wtf is really going on.

Amen. No woman likes that WTF?? feeling when it comes to her relationship.

flipstyle
07-21-2011, 04:31 PM
haha...what a THREAD!!

Not to sound totally homosexual...maybe just a little "metro-sexual"...but i JUST read an article on this subject in a Cosmo or something...whatever it was in the bathroom.

Most men, even if they are married to and having FANTABULOUS sex with the most gorgeous woman in the world, will still watch the occasional porn. Has nothing to do with you, or what you aren't doing in bed. In fact, some men a have no intentions of replicating what they watch in porn with you in bed. It's a fantasy. Why might some men hide it? Shame... Not that they are trying to "get by" on you... So even though it's the same end result (keeping something from you) the motives are entirely different. No ill intent. Kind of like my wife or some women... They hide their clothes shopping.

I won't comment on the trust issue because I can't assume anything about how he feels or what is motivating him to act that way. Some men, (and women) are just wired that way...

*for the record, I have no clue what that T-Bomb lady is talking about...I have not 1mb of porn on my computer!!!:D

flipstyle
07-21-2011, 04:35 PM
Just a reminder. Crystol asked women.



Please respect that.

Whooops...you are right. Sorry!

However, incite from an opposite sex's perspective often sheds new light on common relationship problems.

Siouxcountry
07-21-2011, 04:54 PM
Whooops...you are right. Sorry!

However, incite from an opposite sex's perspective often sheds new light on common relationship problems.

Your posts are fine. :)

tkokayde
07-21-2011, 04:57 PM
http://saa-recovery.org/

Not saying anyone has this issue, just putting the info out there.

The problem isn't always the porn. The problem comes when the secrecy becomes exciting, a turn on. Or when the high in the brain is no longer triggered by just porn, that they may seek out ways to go one step further (ie: online chat rooms, going to strip clubs without your knowledge, possible cheating scenarios, etc.). This is only so with people who truly start to have a problem, NOT with the everyday married guy who watches some videos with his wife. Unfortunately, because of the immediate availability of sexual media online, addictive behavior is becoming more and more rampant.

I don't want anyone to be offended by what I posted, but I have a feeling some guys will get nasty about it. I'm off that. If one person can be helped or any pain can be prevented by the info I put out there, that's awesome. Any questions? Feel free to ask. Any guys wanna be dicks about it? I will force Jason to reinstate my mod status so I can delete your comments. There is real pain here that the ladies are trying to discuss.

Becca Staggs
07-21-2011, 05:05 PM
http://saa-recovery.org/

The problem isn't always the porn. The problem comes when the secrecy becomes exciting, a turn on. Or when the high in the brain is no longer triggered by just porn, that they may seek out ways to go one step further (ie: online chat rooms, going to strip clubs without your knowledge, possible cheating scenarios, etc.). This is only so with people who truly start to have a problem, NOT with the everyday married guy who watches some videos with his wife. Unfortunately, because of the immediate availability of sexual media online, addictive behavior is becoming more and more rampant.



Totally Agree.

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 05:20 PM
Kayde, I think that's a valid topic to include in this thread.

jewelofnile69
07-21-2011, 05:54 PM
Hi Ladies, I dealt with this very real issue with my ex-fiance. I had no trust issues before dealing with him and then after him it took me a good while to get over things. In general, men or women watching porn doesn't bother me in the least bit. What can bother me is the intent and the secrecy surrounding it. My husband and I have a completely open and honest relationship so I'm not worried about what he does. But I will tell you a little bit about my ex-fiance and maybe you can see where my trust issues (mainly with him) developed....thank goodness I never married the guy.

I always knew said ex was into porn but didn't know the extent of it or really care in the beginning. I met him when I was about 21 or 22 (where has the time gone?) and so I was young and naive and never thought much about his 'habit' because I didn't see it affecting our lives. We had a very healthy relationship (so I thought) and I never had any doubts about his feelings for me or that he might be unsatisfied in the bedroom. So, he had a large collection of video porn (I don't think DVDs were big yet) and he occasionally watched it on his computer. As I was getting closer and closer to graduation (he was about 6 years older than me but going back to school after 10 years in the service and had one more year before he would graduate) he started to become more secretive about what he did on the computer (and what he did in general) and instead of me just being able to pop over, I would have to call first, etc. At first I didn't think much of it but combined with lots of other things, I was becoming more and more suspicious and was starting to lose trust in him. I kept telling myself that I was the irrational one and acting crazy and that I had no reason to not trust him.

Fast forward to a trip home after I had been commissioned. We were having issues with distance and so now I totally could accept the porn. But what I was ok with was that the porn he initially had been watching was of people he was never going to meet. So now I'm home visiting for a weekend or whatever and I have some work I have to get done so I'm on his computer. I proceed to find files upon files of nude and very distasteful pictures of girls...and these girls I knew he knew as I knew them as well. Not only were there files of pictures...but files of videos of these same girls...and probably 7 different girls. Luckily I figured it out pretty quickly and walked away and never looked back. I'll have you know that I was not in any way 'digging' for this stuff. He admitted that he forgot to hide the file folders before I got home.

So I guess my point is that certain things need to be out in the open and if your BF is becoming untrustworthy in your eyes (even though I know you are saying you are not the one with the jealousy issues....but this is still an issue) or just cannot move past something that you've discussed, it may be time to take a break. I always told said ex that if it turned into anything more (and I explained to him a few times what that meant) that I would walk away. Granted, it took me realizing more than just the nude pictures of actual girls to figure it out (that was just the icing on the cake...Kayde's 'sex addict' topic referenced above is a large part of this as is bipolarism...and all with him, not me), but I did walk away.

Good luck!

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 06:40 PM
Thanks, Julia. I'm glad you didn't wind up with that fella!

Your story makes me feel I'm making mountains out of molehills, but it's all about context and degrees of tolerance, I guess.

We're working it out. :)

tkokayde
07-21-2011, 06:58 PM
Thanks, Julia. I'm glad you didn't wind up with that fella!

Your story makes me feel I'm making mountains out of molehills, but it's all about context and degrees of tolerance, I guess.

We're working it out. :)

Awesome that you guys are able to talk it out. I would say there is a big difference between jealousy and having issues with behaviors that toe the boundaries of your relationship. There must be some pain there for this thread to have been started in the first place. Most relationships don't ever have the "let's lay out how much porn we're ok with" boundary conversation right off the bat. But clearly it's something to discuss. Asking people for their definition of what they are ok with is difficult, because everyone has different standards. As long as you guys come to a middle ground of what is acceptable to YOU, set the boundaries, and find that you both adhere to those boundaries, rock on!

Jodi_Lane
07-21-2011, 07:07 PM
Personally, I feel like if a guy is still watching porn and stuff (especially hiding it from me) then he's just not ready to be with me. That's how it is. I'm not a fan of porn at all really, not against it just not a fan. To me, it's boring and sort of gross because most of the time they do really raunchy stuff on porn that sort of ruins the sexiness to me. And makes me grossed out by it...people are kinda yucky. Now, I DO like a mirror in the bedroom or even our own home-videos. That's fun! ;) TMI? Sorry. MUUWAHAHA!

Now, this may sound awful...but Crystol, in your case I would think that he is jealous of the stuff he is guilty of. I've dated guys like this before. He's super-jealous and untrustworthy of you because of what he does. That would be my suspicious, especially considering how much you've talked it through in the past (or it sounds that way).

It's bull crap that he'd want you to abide by certain transparencies but is, himself, guilty of what he's worried you'll do. WTH!? Seen this a lot in guys and friends' guys and I recommend trying to sort this out by avoiding making him feel ashamed but asking him if there is a cause...and finding out why the heck he'd be angry at you for the same thing.

I don't get why someone would watch porn when you can just simply ask for porn to be made for you by your significant other. LOL!!! That's just me. HAHA! I'd much rather Sean surprise me with a sexy video he made himself than to watch some porn online somewhere. *shrug* Remember, no one "has" to watch porn at all. In the past, I have been made to feel guilty because I was out of town so he "had" to be stimulated by porn...that makes no sense, why? Because I could have made an equally sexy video for him. So, don't let someone make you feel a certain way. If you feel like something is weird or wrong, then perhaps it is.

Hugs, I really hope everything goes good for you and him. XOXO

Jodi_Lane
07-21-2011, 07:15 PM
Hi Ladies, I dealt with this very real issue with my ex-fiance. I had no trust issues before dealing with him and then after him it took me a good while to get over things. In general, men or women watching porn doesn't bother me in the least bit. What can bother me is the intent and the secrecy surrounding it. My husband and I have a completely open and honest relationship so I'm not worried about what he does. But I will tell you a little bit about my ex-fiance and maybe you can see where my trust issues (mainly with him) developed....thank goodness I never married the guy.

I always knew said ex was into porn but didn't know the extent of it or really care in the beginning. I met him when I was about 21 or 22 (where has the time gone?) and so I was young and naive and never thought much about his 'habit' because I didn't see it affecting our lives. We had a very healthy relationship (so I thought) and I never had any doubts about his feelings for me or that he might be unsatisfied in the bedroom. So, he had a large collection of video porn (I don't think DVDs were big yet) and he occasionally watched it on his computer. As I was getting closer and closer to graduation (he was about 6 years older than me but going back to school after 10 years in the service and had one more year before he would graduate) he started to become more secretive about what he did on the computer (and what he did in general) and instead of me just being able to pop over, I would have to call first, etc. At first I didn't think much of it but combined with lots of other things, I was becoming more and more suspicious and was starting to lose trust in him. I kept telling myself that I was the irrational one and acting crazy and that I had no reason to not trust him.

Fast forward to a trip home after I had been commissioned. We were having issues with distance and so now I totally could accept the porn. But what I was ok with was that the porn he initially had been watching was of people he was never going to meet. So now I'm home visiting for a weekend or whatever and I have some work I have to get done so I'm on his computer. I proceed to find files upon files of nude and very distasteful pictures of girls...and these girls I knew he knew as I knew them as well. Not only were there files of pictures...but files of videos of these same girls...and probably 7 different girls. Luckily I figured it out pretty quickly and walked away and never looked back. I'll have you know that I was not in any way 'digging' for this stuff. He admitted that he forgot to hide the file folders before I got home.

So I guess my point is that certain things need to be out in the open and if your BF is becoming untrustworthy in your eyes (even though I know you are saying you are not the one with the jealousy issues....but this is still an issue) or just cannot move past something that you've discussed, it may be time to take a break. I always told said ex that if it turned into anything more (and I explained to him a few times what that meant) that I would walk away. Granted, it took me realizing more than just the nude pictures of actual girls to figure it out (that was just the icing on the cake...Kayde's 'sex addict' topic referenced above is a large part of this as is bipolarism...and all with him, not me), but I did walk away.

Good luck!
I couldn't agree more with you hunny. I'm sorry you had to deal with that but I'm proud of you for being confident with yourself and walking away. There's no sense in staying in something like that, where you're always questioning things...

I guess my thoughts on porn are that now adays, you get online and you can literally find websites that have webcamming available to girls you could potentially talk to and meet, not just the Porn Stars we all hear about. And to me, that's next to the same as cheating. Because it's more personal and an "at personal request" type of porn. Creeps me out. I guess I'm a little more strict when it comes to this type of thing because it's so easy to create doubt in a relationship. When you create any form of doubt it can ruin everything. Perhaps the secrecy is what they find so attractive about the porn? They get off on feeling like they're doing something they're not supposed to do. Eep! I also don't really consider porn a "guy thing" at all. I just personally don't need it. *shrug*

I have a great book suggestion for people with good or bad relationships and in between! It's an interesting look on things:

The Five Love Languages:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311275659&sr=1-1

Jodi_Lane
07-21-2011, 07:16 PM
Thanks, Julia. I'm glad you didn't wind up with that fella!

Your story makes me feel I'm making mountains out of molehills, but it's all about context and degrees of tolerance, I guess.

We're working it out. :)
I'm sure this just hit a red flag for Julia because her man's habit started small and grew to intolerable amounts.

I am glad you're talking it out XOXO

tkokayde
07-21-2011, 07:18 PM
I have a great book suggestion for people with good or bad relationships and in between! It's an interesting look on things:

The Five Love Languages:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311275659&sr=1-1

Amazeballs book. Revolutionized my marriage.

Becca Staggs
07-21-2011, 07:20 PM
Amazeballs book. Revolutionized my marriage.

I LOVE that book, too! It really makes things so simple when you think about it.
I have given that book to many friends and they have in turn given it to friends.
Quick/easy read and good for the heart and soul.

Jodi_Lane
07-21-2011, 07:21 PM
FemFlex: I agree with you to an extent, and I agree with your point about compatibility. I just wonder at the comment I quoted above -- if you want to talk to your partner about something, writing an inflammatory post on a public forum just isn't the best way to initiate a caring, productive conversation. It seems to me (based on that quote) that the primary reason Crystol posted was to get a reaction from her partner. I could be misreading it though, and it seems like the discussion here has been thoughtful.
What it looked like to me was that Crystol wanted to gain perspective on the situation from people who were out side of their box. It helps sometimes to have others confirm that you're not crazy HAHAHAH!

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 07:32 PM
I will get that book right away. Harville Hendrix books have also been instrumental in helping me be a better person within my relationship. Thanks for the referral! :)

You are all touching on valid points. David has seen this thread now, so in fairness to him, I'm going to avoid revealing any more specifics from our situation. He crossed a line; so did I by starting this thread. But I think there is good going to come out of this discussion and the the direction this thread is going. That you are all a degree removed from this by being online, rather than my neighbors :o , is part of why I felt I could air things here. It's tough talking about some of these things with mutual friends that you both see, right? It can make things so uncomforatable. But mostly I posted because I was angry. :o Although I'm a natural blond, there are some redheads in my family, and that's the temperament I was born with!

Cheers, all.

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 07:33 PM
What it looked like to me was that Crystol wanted to gain perspective on the situation from people who were out side of their box. It helps sometimes to have others confirm that you're not crazy HAHAHAH!

I keep cross-posting today, but Bingo! :)

buffbabeGA
07-21-2011, 07:36 PM
Amazeballs book. Revolutionized my marriage.

I LOVE that book, too! It really makes things so simple when you think about it.
I have given that book to many friends and they have in turn given it to friends.
Quick/easy read and good for the heart and soul.


I couldn't agree more.. love love love this book!!!!

AmberDoodle
07-21-2011, 08:40 PM
I LOVE that book, too! It really makes things so simple when you think about it.
I have given that book to many friends and they have in turn given it to friends.
Quick/easy read and good for the heart and soul.

As someone previously has said, amazeballs. This book not only helped me with romantic relationships but platonic ones as well.

LaurenFazio
07-21-2011, 11:28 PM
Can I just say, that I love the fact that AMAZEBALLS has been used multiple times in this thread??!?!!

MrsFluffyBunny
07-21-2011, 11:58 PM
Can I just say, that I love the fact that AMAZEBALLS has been used multiple times in this thread??!?!!

+1!

A Casne
07-22-2011, 12:59 AM
Hey girl! I would say talk to him about it! I mean, for all you know, in his mind he could be thinking its a game, like getting caught doing it in public, not anything personal to you but something that he does to get off... hard to say since I am not in the situation BUT... maybe getting to the root cause may lead to something better between the two of you... good luck

tkokayde
07-22-2011, 01:05 AM
Can I just say, that I love the fact that AMAZEBALLS has been used multiple times in this thread??!?!!

I reinvented the term. Started using it 11 years ago (I'm dating myself here).

jewelofnile69
07-22-2011, 12:13 PM
I will get that book right away. Harville Hendrix books have also been instrumental in helping me be a better person within my relationship. Thanks for the referral! :)

You are all touching on valid points. David has seen this thread now, so in fairness to him, I'm going to avoid revealing any more specifics from our situation. He crossed a line; so did I by starting this thread. But I think there is good going to come out of this discussion and the the direction this thread is going. That you are all a degree removed from this by being online, rather than my neighbors :o , is part of why I felt I could air things here. It's tough talking about some of these things with mutual friends that you both see, right? It can make things so uncomforatable. But mostly I posted because I was angry. :o Although I'm a natural blond, there are some redheads in my family, and that's the temperament I was born with!

Cheers, all.

Totally understand, Crystol! Glad the two of you can discuss it as well. But you are right, sometimes it is much easier to discuss with total strangers.

For my situation 13 years ago (goodness...has it been that long) there was NO ONE I felt (at the time) that I could talk to about my situation.

I'm glad we have this forum...and hopefully someone else that is experiencing a situation like this can learn something from this thread.