Men and Porn

[Crystol88]

So, I'm curious as to what y'all think of your men viewing porn (in any format). In my case, I like a little once in awhile, enjoyed together. It's by no means something I "need" or use a great deal, but watching a video together, for instance, is kinda fun.

My question is, what do you think about the porn they view without your knowledge?

My boyfriend has trust and jealousy issues. Huge. I am completely transparent with any and everything I do to "help" him with this, even though the issue is his, not mine.

So let's just say I've discovered something (again!!!) that he's been hiding from me, and I'm pissed. It explains why he's been up later than usual the last few nights.

Right now, I want to punch him in his big, bald head.

He's going to read this, and I hope he s*hits when he does.

I have done waaaaaay MORE than is reasonable to ensure this man can trust me; waaaaay more than I probably should have to help him with his anxiety. Waaaaaay more than I should have. I love him, and this is something we work on together (but lately I've thrown the ball back to him and taken a very firm stand that this is HIS issue, I am not indulging it anymore).

This porn thing feels like such a betrayal. With a different type of man, it would still bother me but probably not as much. I get the whole men/visual/porn thing. BUT... well, I've explained why I'm extra pissed and hurt, I think.

So, any words of wisdom, gals?

[lynnbrigham]

For me hiding anything is a huge betrayal. I guess it doesn't matter if it is porn or something else. I won't lie that I have a problem with my husband watching porn if he were to but a lot of that stems from a previous relationship where I didn't care at all and operated on the I just like to know what is going on and later found out there was a TON of other things hidden from me. It was awful. I know your feelings! Try to really let him know how it feels and hopefully he can understand and try to make sure he is open things more. Hang in there!!! I am pretty sure that almost every woman has gone through something at some point in her life dealing with stuff like this and it's not fun lol.....

[Becca Staggs]

Crystol, if you want this thread moved let me know. Right now it's visible to non-members and anyone who stops by our board.

I have been there with my ex husband. He had a major problem with it though, and other areas of our relationship were suffering, both physical and emotional, so at the time I thought/felt like it was a form of betrayal. Mostly because it got to the point where it was almost coming between us and he began reaching out to real-life girls online for it, not just watching Jenna Jamesons in video.

But - Now I'll have to just say it's totally situational and depends on the man himself, and the dynamics of your relationship, maybe. With the right person (to me, speaking of my current relationship) its' not a big deal.

Because your b/f doesn't trust you...does that change anything? I mean, if he trusted you more, how would your recent discovery make you feel? I guess I don't understand...Are you thinking along the lines of how he would react/feel if he found this out about you? He would be very upset, I expect??

Do you feel like your physical/bedroom life is lacking at all?
Admittedly, IMO when the frequency is down between a couple, I find that knowing they are watching it on a regular basis feels a little hurtful or - maybe not hurtful but kinda stings a little...but only b/c I would like some attention turned on me...I'm around, I'm availible...ya know?

Does he know that you have a problem with this? I guess that is the question that changes things.

[T-Bomb]

I can see why you would be hurt if he was hiding something from you.. I don't mind the porn but my husband doesn't hide it from me. I always seem to think my husband has the most downloaded porn on his computer.. but I am discovering each day that he is not the only one with that much...LOL.. I personally don't find it to be a problem as long as it isn't affecting our marriage. Now I would be p*ssed if he was to watch some pron with someone we know in it.

[T-Bomb]

Originally Posted by Becca Staggs

Crystol, if you want this thread moved let me know. Right now it's visible to non-members and anyone who stops by our board.

I have been there with my ex husband. He had a major problem with it though, and other areas of our relationship were suffering, both physical and emotional, so at the time I thought/felt like it was a form of betrayal. Mostly because it got to the point where it was almost coming between us and he began reaching out to real-life girls online for it, not just watching Jenna Jamesons in video.

But - Now I'll have to just say it's totally situational and depends on the man himself, and the dynamics of your relationship, maybe. With the right person (to me, speaking of my current relationship) its' not a big deal.

Because your b/f doesn't trust you...does that change anything? I mean, if he trusted you more, how would your recent discovery make you feel? I guess I don't understand...Are you thinking along the lines of how he would react/feel if he found this out about you? He would be very upset, I expect??

Do you feel like your physical/bedroom life is lacking at all?
Admittedly, IMO when the frequency is down between a couple, I find that knowing they are watching it on a regular basis feels a little hurtful or - maybe not hurtful but kinda stings a little...but only b/c I would like some attention turned on me...I'm around, I'm availible...ya know?

Does he know that you have a problem with this? I guess that is the question that changes things.

Exactly.. You said it much better than I intended to. I was in the same situation with my ex husband (all around bad relationship).. But it's different with my currant husband and I don't mind him and his porn.. Like you said.. It all depends on the person and situation.

[kaytikat]

I don't really mind unless it's being chosen instead of me, or if its hidden from me like he feels he has a reason to be ashamed of it. Neither behavior is okay with me and generally makes me wonder wtf is really going on.

[Becca Staggs]

Originally Posted by T-Bomb

Exactly.. You said it much better than I intended to. I was in the same situation with my ex husband (all around bad relationship).. But it's different with my currant husband and I don't mind him and his porn.. Like you said.. It all depends on the person and situation.

Right.
I think it's natural, common, and healthy as long as it's not overdone - and I would never make him/any man swear off it. Hell, I wouldn't want someone to make me swear off it - but abusing it, or reaching out to real life girls to fullfill a fantasy/breaking the fantasy realm and having real life/email/video interactions is another story bc that's when the lines blur too much...

[snf_05]

Wow... I didn't know porn was so common... hmmm.

I would be hurt if he was hiding it, but I agree it can be okay once in awhile when it is shared.

I understand your frustration because it can make you feel as though you aren't desireable so he has to hide it....which I don't understand because your bod is more bangn' than any porn star.

Could it be a lack of excitement between the sheets?

To answer your question... I would be pissed if my boyfriend was doing it behind my back, and on a regular basis at that. If I found that out I would probably shut down on him because in my mind I would say ''Fine, I'm not good enough for you then enjoy your porn because I'm not going to worry who or what you are thinking about when we do have sex." I can be irrational sometimes though.

[PRINCEY]

Originally Posted by Crystol88

He's going to read this, and I hope he s*hits when he does.

I'm a pretty casual forum participant but this isn't the first time I've read about your husband's jealousy. I think your conflict resolution skills leave something to be desired if you think that posting about your issues on a public forum is the best way to initiate productive discussion about relationship problems. I would be really hurt and angry if my partner aired our dirty laundry on the Internet.

[FemFlex]

Crystol - Breaking this down to the core elements, this is an issue of (in)compatibility moreso than trust. Only you can evaluate the degree of the payoff you get from being in a relationship with someone with whom you are not compatible.

Most people refuse to evaluate their relationships in this manner, but you should put the question of compatibility before trust. People who aren't uptight can be driven to become so by those who are...making themselves miserable in the process. And people who are insanely jealous can wreak havoc on the sanity of the partners who are not.

Princey - Oftentimes, the best solutions to the questions or problems we may have are held by people we don't even know. You're welcome to be offended by the fact that Crystol's chosen to entrust this group with details of her personal life, but by the same token, there are others who are willing to help her find the answer(s) that may work for her. It's also possible that there are others on the forum struggling with similar concerns who might benefit from this issue having been raised here.

***
As to the original question, I'm way too old and involved with my own work and spending time devoted to my kid to worry at all about what my partner is doing when I'm not around. As long as it doesn't cost me (too much) money or impact my child's well-being, what she does with her time is her business. What we do together is our business.

This whole issue speaks directly to the problem of social policing that so many people seem to think 'coupledom' is entitled to: "Where's she going?" "I wonder who's he looking at?" "Oh, honey, I didn't hear from you today." "I don't want to worry you or anything, but I saw your boyfriend at the market yesterday talking to the checkout girl." "Did he masturbate to unshared porn last night?", etc.

Good luck, C.

[PRINCEY]

FemFlex: I agree with you to an extent, and I agree with your point about compatibility. I just wonder at the comment I quoted above -- if you want to talk to your partner about something, writing an inflammatory post on a public forum just isn't the best way to initiate a caring, productive conversation. It seems to me (based on that quote) that the primary reason Crystol posted was to get a reaction from her partner. I could be misreading it though, and it seems like the discussion here has been thoughtful.

[Crystol88]

Originally Posted by PRINCEY

FemFlex: I agree with you to an extent, and I agree with your point about compatibility. I just wonder at the comment I quoted above -- if you want to talk to your partner about something, writing an inflammatory post on a public forum just isn't the best way to initiate a caring, productive conversation. It seems to me (based on that quote) that the primary reason Crystol posted was to get a reaction from her partner. I could be misreading it though, and it seems like the discussion here has been thoughtful.

Hey, Princey. You are right on a number of counts. So I won't try to defend my actions or any of that. My OP was reactionary, and not thought out. But now that it's out here, so be it. I'm appreciating the discussion and input and hope others will, too.

Jealousy is not about love; it's about fear, and fear is the absence of love. Since realizing this, I've seen a number of things in a different light, for sure.

Rebecca's post was good food for thought, so I think I'll respond to that as well.

[Siouxcountry]

Just a reminder. Crystol asked women.

So, I'm curious as to what y'all think of your men viewing porn (in any format).

Please respect that.

[Crystol88]

Originally Posted by FemFlex

Crystol - Breaking this down to the core elements, this is an issue of (in)compatibility moreso than trust. Only you can evaluate the degree of the payoff you get from being in a relationship with someone with whom you are not compatible.

I don't agree in my situation, but that's a good point.

Most people refuse to evaluate their relationships in this manner, but you should put the question of compatibility before trust. People who aren't uptight can be driven to become so by those who are...making themselves miserable in the process. And people who are insanely jealous can wreak havoc on the sanity of the partners who are not.

That is true. We have made a lot of progress on this front lately. So this latest bit feels like a setback.

Princey - Oftentimes, the best solutions to the questions or problems we may have are held by people we don't even know. You're welcome to be offended by the fact that Crystol's chosen to entrust this group with details of her personal life, but by the same token, there are others who are willing to help her find the answer(s) that may work for her. It's also possible that there are others on the forum struggling with similar concerns who might benefit from this issue having been raised here.

Here, here!
***
As to the original question, I'm way too old and involved with my own work and spending time devoted to my kid to worry at all about what my partner is doing when I'm not around. As long as it doesn't cost me (too much) money or impact my child's well-being, what she does with her time is her business. What we do together is our business.

We're not there. LOL. And I don't know that I want to be there. It works well for many, but I'm okay for the most part with how involved we are in each others' lives.

This whole issue speaks directly to the problem of social policing that so many people seem to think 'coupledom' is entitled to: "Where's she going?" "I wonder who's he looking at?" "Oh, honey, I didn't hear from you today." "I don't want to worry you or anything, but I saw your boyfriend at the market yesterday talking to the checkout girl." "Did he masturbate to unshared porn last night?", etc.

I don't think that way. He does, though. He is working very hard to let a lot of this go, and I recognize the efforts. It's a process.

Good luck, C.

Cheers!

Originally Posted by Becca Staggs

Crystol, if you want this thread moved let me know. Right now it's visible to non-members and anyone who stops by our board.

That's okay. Thanks for your concern, but let's leave things out in the open. I don't feel a need to hide any of this.

I have been there with my ex husband. He had a major problem with it though, and other areas of our relationship were suffering, both physical and emotional, so at the time I thought/felt like it was a form of betrayal. Mostly because it got to the point where it was almost coming between us and he began reaching out to real-life girls online for it, not just watching Jenna Jamesons in video.

My situation with my ex was similiar, so this sort of thing triggers some past hurts, I think, for sure.

But - Now I'll have to just say it's totally situational and depends on the man himself, and the dynamics of your relationship, maybe. With the right person (to me, speaking of my current relationship) its' not a big deal.

We have talked this out, and I got an explanation that makes sense. The whole idea that it was hidden from me is the issue, like others have alluded to.

Because your b/f doesn't trust you...does that change anything? I mean, if he trusted you more, how would your recent discovery make you feel? I guess I don't understand...Are you thinking along the lines of how he would react/feel if he found this out about you? He would be very upset, I expect??

That is exactly it. And when I flip things like this, he gets it a little better. Lots of stuff came out when we talked, all constructive.

Do you feel like your physical/bedroom life is lacking at all?
Admittedly, IMO when the frequency is down between a couple, I find that knowing they are watching it on a regular basis feels a little hurtful or - maybe not hurtful but kinda stings a little...but only b/c I would like some attention turned on me...I'm around, I'm availible...ya know?

I do know (my past relationship), and that's not the case with David. Short of quitting my job and staying in bed all day, I don't think I could be more available to him! I know how important the physical part of our relationship is for David, and I feel the same way. It does scare me to think that even with our healthy bedroom life, it might not be enough. But that is just paranoia, I think.

Does he know that you have a problem with this? I guess that is the question that changes things.

He does. And I believe I made it clear that it's not so much the content or the act as the secrecy, intended or otherwise.

Thanks, Rebecca. Just answering these questions is helpful.

[Crystol88]

Originally Posted by snf_05

Wow... I didn't know porn was so common... hmmm.

I would be hurt if he was hiding it, but I agree it can be okay once in awhile when it is shared.

I understand your frustration because it can make you feel as though you aren't desireable so he has to hide it....which I don't understand because your bod is more bangn' than any porn star.

Could it be a lack of excitement between the sheets?

To answer your question... I would be pissed if my boyfriend was doing it behind my back, and on a regular basis at that. If I found that out I would probably shut down on him because in my mind I would say ''Fine, I'm not good enough for you then enjoy your porn because I'm not going to worry who or what you are thinking about when we do have sex." I can be irrational sometimes though.

Well, it may be irrational but I think it's important that men realize this is a possible outcome of their use of porn! It may not result in this perception for every situation and in every relationship, but is the risk worth it if you care about someone?

[Crystol88]

Originally Posted by lynnbrigham

For me hiding anything is a huge betrayal. I guess it doesn't matter if it is porn or something else. I won't lie that I have a problem with my husband watching porn if he were to but a lot of that stems from a previous relationship where I didn't care at all and operated on the I just like to know what is going on and later found out there was a TON of other things hidden from me. It was awful. I know your feelings! Try to really let him know how it feels and hopefully he can understand and try to make sure he is open things more. Hang in there!!! I am pretty sure that almost every woman has gone through something at some point in her life dealing with stuff like this and it's not fun lol.....

Thanks, Lynn. Of course I'll hang in there. One thing I vowed to do upon entering this relationship was to make it a priority and never take for granted that things would just work themselves out. If I'm hurt, it does me no good to ignore it and not speak out. Posting all this was hasty, but it prevented me from really laying into him in anger, and that's a good thing. At least when we got around to talking, I was (mostly) ready to talk, rather than spit nails!

[Crystol88]

Originally Posted by kaytikat

I don't really mind unless it's being chosen instead of me, or if its hidden from me like he feels he has a reason to be ashamed of it. Neither behavior is okay with me and generally makes me wonder wtf is really going on.

Amen. No woman likes that WTF?? feeling when it comes to her relationship.

[flipstyle]

haha...what a THREAD!!

Not to sound totally homosexual...maybe just a little "metro-sexual"...but i JUST read an article on this subject in a Cosmo or something...whatever it was in the bathroom.

Most men, even if they are married to and having FANTABULOUS sex with the most gorgeous woman in the world, will still watch the occasional porn. Has nothing to do with you, or what you aren't doing in bed. In fact, some men a have no intentions of replicating what they watch in porn with you in bed. It's a fantasy. Why might some men hide it? Shame... Not that they are trying to "get by" on you... So even though it's the same end result (keeping something from you) the motives are entirely different. No ill intent. Kind of like my wife or some women... They hide their clothes shopping.

I won't comment on the trust issue because I can't assume anything about how he feels or what is motivating him to act that way. Some men, (and women) are just wired that way...

*for the record, I have no clue what that T-Bomb lady is talking about...I have not 1mb of porn on my computer!!!

[flipstyle]

Originally Posted by Siouxcountry

Just a reminder. Crystol asked women.



Please respect that.

Whooops...you are right. Sorry!

However, incite from an opposite sex's perspective often sheds new light on common relationship problems.

[Siouxcountry]

Originally Posted by flipstyle

Whooops...you are right. Sorry!

However, incite from an opposite sex's perspective often sheds new light on common relationship problems.

Your posts are fine.