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  #1  
Old 02-27-2008, 02:33 PM
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Talking Joke of the Day!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "


He swallowed hard.



Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs.


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"



"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."



Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."



"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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  #2  
Old 02-27-2008, 02:47 PM
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Good idea on this one!
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  #3  
Old 02-27-2008, 05:27 PM
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:lol5::lol5:
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  #4  
Old 03-04-2008, 02:33 AM
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again..
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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Old 03-04-2008, 02:49 AM
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funny stuff
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  #6  
Old 03-04-2008, 06:38 PM
layla17 layla17 is offline
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That's a great one.... and all too true.
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  #7  
Old 03-05-2008, 02:40 PM
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After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That’s a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I’d like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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Old 03-05-2008, 08:52 PM
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that was a good one!s
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  #9  
Old 03-08-2008, 02:11 AM
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Weight Loss for Men


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.
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  #10  
Old 03-08-2008, 02:41 AM
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lol
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  #11  
Old 03-11-2008, 03:26 AM
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Business cards and signs

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'


In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'


On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'


On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'


On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'


At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'


On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'


In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'


On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'


At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'


On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'


On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'


At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'


Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'


At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'


In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'


At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'


Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak'
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:53 AM
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those are all awesome
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  #13  
Old 03-11-2008, 05:06 AM
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Yeah I liked them all too
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  #14  
Old 03-11-2008, 05:09 AM
ibarramedia ibarramedia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SBT View Post
Yeah I liked them all too

Funny aren't they.
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  #15  
Old 03-12-2008, 03:28 PM
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Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
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Old 03-12-2008, 03:42 PM
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WOW!!! How true is THAT statement right there!!
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  #17  
Old 03-12-2008, 07:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dvsness View Post


Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
OMG! :lol5:
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  #18  
Old 03-12-2008, 08:00 PM
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Default Okay, maybe this one isn't that funny ...

Question: How can you make a small fortune as a female bodybuilder?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

... wait for it!

.

.

.

.

Answer: Start with a large fortune!

Sad, ain't it?
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  #19  
Old 03-12-2008, 08:01 PM
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LOL

i did actually chuckle at that one.
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  #20  
Old 03-14-2008, 04:15 PM
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One for NYers or those who follow politics:

Why did the Governor use hookers?

Because his wife was a Spitzer, not a swallower.
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