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  #41  
Old 05-01-2008, 02:30 PM
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those were funny! Perked me right up!
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  #42  
Old 05-08-2008, 08:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCStrongFox View Post
Letter to the Editor:

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Susie.?

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.? Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.?Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury tookonly 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
BWAHAHAHA!! :lol5: Thanks for that, Melody: I needed a good laugh!!!
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  #43  
Old 05-14-2008, 01:52 AM
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The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one(At least, I was...) Compared with Gasoline......


Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ....... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 .... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 . $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 . .......$123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 .... $25.42 per gallon

Scope ! 1.5 oz $0.99 .. $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it....but it is true........)$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
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  #44  
Old 05-14-2008, 10:56 PM
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I haven't had a chance to do any posting lately and I get a little overwhelmed and feel lost with all the threads I've been missing out on....but THIS thread I can jump in on........

I was just sent this today by a friend:

Women and how they feel about their as*es


There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their as*es. The
results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their as* is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their as* is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a
good man and they would have married him anyway.
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  #45  
Old 05-15-2008, 01:28 PM
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons - round and
irm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears - still nice but hanging
a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised , smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree -
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch - flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas Tree."

"A Christmas Tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
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  #46  
Old 05-22-2008, 04:18 PM
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  #47  
Old 05-22-2008, 05:45 PM
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Bad joke time:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?


NACHO cheese!!
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  #48  
Old 05-22-2008, 05:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenscats5 View Post
Bad joke time:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?


NACHO cheese!!
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  #49  
Old 05-23-2008, 01:27 PM
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide e child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
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  #50  
Old 05-31-2008, 02:33 AM
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Federal Rebate Checks:

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend it at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan - and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep the money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA.

Thank you for your help and please support the US ...
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  #51  
Old 05-31-2008, 03:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenscats5 View Post
Bad joke time:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?


NACHO cheese!!
That was bad!
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  #52  
Old 05-31-2008, 03:20 AM
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What can you do 365 rubbers...

Heat them up

Mold them into a tire

and call it a GOODYEAR
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  #53  
Old 05-31-2008, 03:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dvsness View Post
Federal Rebate Checks:

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend it at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan - and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep the money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA.

Thank you for your help and please support the US ...

now this....this is funny.
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  #54  
Old 05-31-2008, 04:14 AM
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two guys walk into a bar....

the second guy said, "i didnt see it either"



a rabbi, a priest, and a shamen walk into a bar....

the bartender looks up and says, "what is this? a joke?


what do micheal jackson and a silver medalist have in common?

they both came in a little behind


why was micheal jackson upset when he heard Boyz II Men won a Grammy?

he thought it was a delivery service.



Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. the judge is looking through the paper work and looks at Mickey and says, " you know Mickey. Minnie being crazy is not grounds for a divorce."

Mickey looks at the judge and says, "I never said she was crazy your honor. I said she was fucking Goofy."
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  #55  
Old 06-02-2008, 04:35 AM
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  #56  
Old 06-02-2008, 12:33 PM
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Another bad one:

Two vampire are walking down the street and pass by a morgue. The one vampire says to the other "Want to stop in for a cold one?"


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  #57  
Old 06-15-2008, 06:57 PM
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25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to th e store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you we re born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!
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  #58  
Old 06-15-2008, 07:07 PM
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Problem Name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the
hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer
the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

(A good clean joke is hard to find these days --- pass it on! )
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  #59  
Old 06-15-2008, 07:09 PM
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Default a few more....

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Maria,
times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives
me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why
you deserve one.'

Maria says, 'Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'I see.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

She got the raise.
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  #60  
Old 06-15-2008, 07:14 PM
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked what he knew about sex.

"Tarzan not know about sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "Why did you do that?"

Tarzan replied, "Must check for squirrel.
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